On the Way

On the way through life we meet all kinds of people.  Most good, some bad, many interesting, and some whose stories touch our souls in a way that makes life worth living.  I had one of those encounters this morning at, coincidentally, the On the Way Cafe in little Lafayette, Oregon.  I've driven past this place several times during my wine country outings but have never had the time to pop in for breakfast before.  It's a quaint little space on the main drag running through town (seriously only about three or four blocks through the whole town).  Tiny town, like I said.

It's such a small town that I definitely felt like the outsider intruding on the locals' morning breakfast routine.  I quickly chose a small table in the rear corner of the restaurant with a view looking out at the dining room floor.  At the table closest to me in the center of the room sat an elderly couple with two friends.  The three men were talking about very random things - from big city life to trigonometry.  Go figure.  The woman was silent but kept looking at me and smiling.  I smiled back each time but quickly so that I could return to my book (and my great breakfast).

After about ten minutes of this, the woman stands up and walks to my table.  She doesn't say a word; just smiles at me.  I smile back and when she still says nothing, I realize her muteness earlier might be from some disease.  I introduce myself and she smiles, nods, and mumbles something incoherent.  At this point I am sure she suffers from dementia or Alzheimer's or some other ailment of the mind.  I invite her to sit down.  She smiles and grasps my hands as she takes the seat in the booth across from me.

In her first moment of lucidity she asks my name.  But my reply confuses her.  I repeat it twice but she looks upset so I tell her it's all right.  I ask her name, but she again seems confused.  Her husband takes a moment to ask me if she is bothering me and I assure him that she isn't.  She then asks where I'm from and I tell her about Portland.  She seems to comprehend for a moment but then goes back to her confused state.  She is looking out the window now and I comment on the warm sunshine.  She has difficulty removing her jacket so I help her out of the sleeves to make her more comfortable.

She asks again for my name and where I'm from during the next five minutes.  I repeat my same answers hoping she'll comprehend, but she continues to be confused.  I notice a little beaded bracelet on her left arm and ask to see it.  It's a medical bracelet that tells me her name is Carolee.  But when I smile and say "Hi Carolee," she shakes her head; not understanding.  A couple of times she has looked over at her husband and pointed at him and said, "That's my father."  I know this can't be true because they appear to be close to the same age and are both wearing silver wedding bands.  I simply smile and tell her that he seems like a nice man and she nods in agreement.

Her husband breaks from his group to sit with us.  He introduces himself as Raymond Norris; the way older generations make a point to say their full name when making an introduction.  He and Carolee will celebrate their 51st wedding anniversary May 7th.  I am quickly drawn in by his presence and his manner of storytelling.   I give him a short background of myself and he tells me he's familiar with Irvine because Carolee's sister lives in Rancho Cucamonga.  He tells me that Carolee and her sister both went to OSU and went off to marry their college sweethearts.  "And 51 years later, here we are...," I comment.  Raymond corrects me to explain that he is not Carolee's first husband.  She married her college sweetheart (and I can't remember his name - can't remember if Ray even told me the name).  But her first husband flew planes and one day just five years into their marriage he had some kind of engine or equipment failure.  He was flying low over a school and residential area and brought his plane down in a way to avoid extinguishing any other lives that day.

I glanced at Carolee and was sad to realize that she is not hearing any of this.  I wonder what she would be thinking or what she would add to the story of her first husband's tragic death.  Ray continues and explains that her first husband had the chance to eject himself from the plane - he was told to - but he could not bring himself to save himself and risk killing the children in the schoolyard.

Carolee became a widowed mother of two young children.  Ray holds his arm out at table height to describe how small one of the children was when he first met them.  He came into their lives and raised those two and then he and Carolee had a third child together.

Ray went on to talk about one vacation they took to Hawaii.  His sister passed away and her husband had told Ray and his other siblings to make the trip to Hawaii to use their timeshare.  I didn't say this to Ray, but I imagined they used that trip as a way to celebrate his sister's memory.  Again I look at Carolee who is not hearing us.  But what I find interesting is that even though she is not actually lucid, she knows to follow social cues.  When Ray or I laugh, she laughs with us.  If I smile, she smiles.  She just doesn't seem to hear the words.

Sadly Ray tells me that they spent fifty years living in Dayton, Oregon but last year this month he sold everything and purchased a small mobile home in McMinnville.  He said he couldn't stand the thought of moving Carolee into a home and he wants to spend the rest of their time together in their new home.

Ray said goodbye and Carolee said goodbye in her own way.  I was left with an empty table, a head full of thoughts, and a heart full of emotion.  Oh this story made me so sad.  But it also made me feel so many other emotions.  I was happy hearing about their great years together.  Then it became depressing to think about Carolee's state of mind.  I left the cafe and drove to Sokol Blosser because I felt like I needed to see Eddie.  I explained to him that I had a hard time understanding my feelings because I look at Carolee and wonder if she's happy inside.  I hope she is because she seemed to smile constantly and had some sparkle in her eyes.  But I wonder if deep down she knows that she is missing something; that when smiles she is only doing it because she is mimicking the people around her.

And then I think of Ray.  How does he feel that in his wife's most lucid moments, she looks at him and thinks he's her father?  I just can't comprehend how that must feel for him.  And I wonder what would be harder for Ray; that Carolee never have lucid moments at all or that she has lucid moments and is either stuck in the past or not entirely aware.

Ray's calmness about the whole situation also got to me.  It made me feel very young.  Clearly he has accepted this in his own way.  He never explained what Carolee suffers with, but I know Ray suffers too.  Clearly he has accepted this as they way his married life will end.  I cannot fathom having to watch a loved one spend each day the way Carolee does.  I do know Carolee is lucky to have Ray; even if sometimes she thinks he is her father and not her husband.  I was moved by Ray's patience with her and the way he helped her into her coat and guided her out of the cafe when they left.

I feel very sad about my interactions with Carolee and the way a long life can rob the body of a clear state of mind.  But I was also filled with joy to hear about Ray & Carolee's love over the years and know they shared a good life together.  Conflicting emotions.  There is no real point to this story, but it made me so emotional (both good and bad) that I wanted to share this.  If there is any real point to this story, take a moment to say hi to a stranger (even though as kids we are taught to avoid strangers at all costs).  Your quick "hello" might turn into a great story to remember for years to come.

I was planning to skip the media mention, but I actually have one that is kind of appropriate.  A friend recommended David Nicolls' One Day.  I placed a hold on it at the library and got to read it last week.  It's a fun story about a man and woman who meet in college.  The story follows them through their lives just one day each year (St. Swithin's Day - a nod to Billy Bragg).  The flow is very natural as you see the ups and downs in their relationship as each succeeds and fails along the way.